Losing one and then some..

Life is tricky. Sometimes it makes you think you have it all under control, then the next minute rocks you in such a way that you feel like the world is out of its place. I have walked this earth for 35 years and yet I have no single clue what i am doing. You would think that by now I should somehow gained a little bit of wisdom from all those rollercoaster of experiences. I have no fucking clue still. Yet i continue coz there’s really not much you can do. Whether you like it or not the morning is gonna start without you. Best be on your way again. Dust off what good or bad transpired yesterday. Live with yourself and the mistakes you made. They say mistakes teach you lessons. Well, what are they? Im not even sure. Universe, you have to be clearer, you know.

Then there’s the complexity of people and the relationships you build with them. What’s the whole point? You’ll end up losing them anyway. All of them. Why waste all our energy on building love, friendship, family…when one day all this would not even be remembered.

I have always been honest with myself. It’s a truth i have learned at a very young age. I dont ever pretend to be happy when im not, not tell myself lies for whatever personal gratification. A difficult childhood taught me to see things the way they are and try to live around it. This self awareness is blessing at the same time a curse. I do also get to read people as easy as i read myself. And because of this i find it difficult to trust when trust is wanting, love when love is wanting, care when it is one way.

Speedy b

speedy 25 in bandouliere~ or more popularly known as speedy b 25.

I never thought i would love it this much. As in this much.

I wanted to post pics in my social media accounts but i figured it would be a bit tacky. So i guess here nlng coz this is relatively private.

Ive always been drawn to Louis Vuitton. Even as a kid. And now that well medyo naka tigum i finally pulled the trigger.

Contrary to what most say, im pretty organized in this one. Most would say this is like a gaping black hole where you could hardly find your stuff. Surprisingly i have no issues with organization. In fact my things stay exactly where i want them. And fits a lot. Seriously, it’s like a freakin mary poppins kindf of bag.

I love it so much that i am thinking of saving for the travel size. Maybe next year.

For those that are contemplating on which one to get— the classic one or the bandouliere— i would definitely suggest the bandouliere. It changes the whole speedy game. It’s nice that we now have that strap option. I can dress it up for a nice dinner with the hubby using just the handles, like the classic way, then i can shorten it to a shoulder strap when going out with friends, and finally when im going out with andrew i usually wear it as a crossbody bag to make myself hands free. It is definitely the shzuszh of all speedies!

It’s not big enough to hold all my office needs though so i usually use a different bag for workdays. This is more of my casual day bag… so yey to weekends coz i get to use it!

First of many firsts,well in this case, i hope not

Today marks the first day that I saw blood oozing out of my precious little one. With now sturdy teeth, any careless fall could lead to serious cuts.

 I soon as I heard him cry I knew something was wrong. I was chopping pork to baby-sized cuts for a new baby recipe.i washed my hands with soap and water as quickly as I could,although my mother’s instinct was telling me to dash to where he was. True enough, his cry was that of one who is in serious pain…entire faced twitched like a full blown cry but the sound can’t seem to get out of him. When our eyes met, his told mine “mommy, something painful just happened,help me.” I held his gaze and we had that unspoken understanding that only a mother and a child could possibly share. His arms reached out to me and I to him. We hugged each other so tight. I didn’t care about the blood stains on his chin, cheeks and even those dropping on my arm. I knew I had to calm him first before anything else can be done.

When i was younger,i was the panicky type. Well,not hysterical, but you know the type who can’t utter a single word when face with an alarming situation. Today i realized becoming a mom changes you. I was able to push my panic aside and was able to focus on what should be done instead of how i should feel. 

When andrew was smaller i would imagine getting hysterical if i see blood coming out of him, but when the situation actually happened, i was on top of things and i guess i feel proud. I am my son’s hero. I should never ever forget that.

Before i forget

Last night i was having a bad headache. Migraine, or whatever caused it. I asked aj to massage my head for me. Over the years, he has learned how and where to press to make things better. I remembr maybe only one minute of the massage because i immediately drifted to sleep.

The next thing i knew someone hugged me behind my back and kissed my ear. I remember saying “i love you, thank you for the massage”. He just held me tighter and whispered, “i love you bee, thank you for loving me.”

I want to remember that. That it wasnt a dream and it was one of the sincerest moments of our relationship. I was half asleep, he was talking to a sleeping person.

Someday when things get rocky i will have to remember that. ūüôā

On Virlix

Ever since I got pregnant last February 2015, my allergic reactions have been a little bit prominent. ¬†That or the fear of dying is more pressing now that Andrew is around. ¬†Every time I eat something that I know will give me the itch, there’s that certain level of anxiety. ¬†I gave up on shrimps altogether. ¬†And I don’t even miss it. ¬†Maybe I didn’t really like shrimp that much before. ¬†The same probably holds true in all the other aspects of life. ¬†You would think you could not live without something (or someone), and then when the time comes that you have to go on with your life without it, you’d realize you’re still okay, and still happy.

Ang sud.an gabii kay monggos ug buwad. ¬†It was the kind of combo you simply cannot say no to. ¬†And a few minutes later I drank my usual allergy pill–virlix. ¬†Virlix gets me so tired for at least two days. ¬†And so here I am, working like a zombie. ¬†I slept through my entire lunchbreak and was not able to do an errand for Tita.

I gave up my sideline this morning. ¬†Somehow I felt heavy for a moment there. ¬†I almost cried. ¬†I’ve worked with FN Naces for as long as I can remember. When Andrew got sick this weekend I knew I had to free up my weekends for him.

Change is coming. Change has come. Not just for the entire country.  I guess each and every one of us experience change on a day to day basis but we just dont acknowledge them.  I for one didnt want to part with that chapter in my life.  But I guess it was weighing me down for far too long already.  If something pulls you down, you should cut the rope that ties you to it.  Life is too short to waste on things that make you unhappy.

 

 

 

I miss running

I do. I just don’t know how to start again. ¬†Jenny’s already here and she’s staying for good so she took the treadmill back. ¬†I have to buy one in the future, but for now I have to be contented with walking around the garden while carrying Andrew until he falls asleep.

I’m thinking about training for 21k. ¬†Maybe do it by the end of 2017, or the Cebu Run on January 2018. ¬†If that is my timeline then I have to start asap. ¬†Couch to 21k. ¬†Wow, do-able ba kha?

Before I got pregnant, I finished a 10k Milo Run without dying. ¬†To date, that is my proudest moment. ¬†I miss it. ¬†I miss running, the sound of my own footsteps, the steady pace of my heart rate, the heat of my body slowly getting more and more intense. ¬†But most of all, I miss the feeling of accomplishment just right after. ¬†That dizzy moment when you can’t stop moving yet because you have to slow down your heart rate. ¬†You feel like lying down the grass of pure exhaustion. It’s simply impossible to erase that big grin on your stupid face because you can’t believe you finished it. That feeling.

 

 

On a much brighter note..

Andrew is now able to baby talk. ¬†Bababa, papapa, mamama,dadada, popopop—these are some of the cute little syllables he repeats. ¬†When he’s really hungry and the freaking new yaya forgets to prepare milk in advance, he is able to cry “Mama!”. ¬†My heart melts everytime.

I’m a full time working mom. ¬†Aside from that, I have several other clients too. ¬†My seven days is never enough to finish work. So i just don’t. ¬†Andrew is always more important. ¬†I am just waiting for these clients to say “Atty, balhin nlng mi sa lain kay busy na man kaayo ka”. ¬†But I do try my hardest to give them things that are due. ¬†I never miss my deadlines, but if kanang mga other stuff nah I’ll just get back to you when Andrew sleeps!

Going back, I am a full-time working mom, who is always busy (but somehow found time to blog now coz I’m feeling extra down), and it is one of my life’s regret that I cannot spend every waking hour with Andrew. ¬†I compensate, and sometimes overcompensate. ¬†I compensate for not hugging him for those times during the day when he cries and only the yaya is around by hugging him so tight when i get home. ¬†I am pretty sure he feels how much I miss him because I can almost feel him hugging back as tightly. ¬†He tells me, too,that misses me by crying every time he sees me, he wants me to carry him with so much urgency. He stretches his arms out and cries from the heart and it would break at the same time warm my heart. ¬†How can a baby so small miss his mommy when he barely sees her.

I over-compensate by hiring two yayas instead of one, because we never want him to feel lonely. The three yayas, including the house help who sometimes subs as a yaya, ¬†would sometimes surround him and play with him and he would just laugh to his heart’s content that AJ and I would say it’s pretty expensive but it’s all worth it.

I compensate by making his food from scratch.  No canned or preserved food for Andrew.  I pick them out myself, peel, slice, puree then freeze them.  He may not have breastfed from me but I will definitely make sure he grows up the healthiest.  So far, he loves potatoes and squash.

When before he would just be happy to see us any time of the day, now he longs more. ¬†Like when he sees me he immediately cries and puts his hand out. ¬†I love you Andrew. ¬†I’m sorry if Mommy is out for the most part of the day, everything I do is for you. Even if painful ang separation.

 

 

 

Stuff

I feel like shit.  I am generally a very happy person, not because I have a happy life, no, far from it.  My life is a rolling piece of shit day in and day out.  I am a happy person because I consciously pick out my thoughts.  I choose to be happy.  I choose to see the good things about life.  But on some days, days like today: i feel like shit.

I have these random memories, memories of horried times. ¬†Times when I was so sad I couldn’t eat. ¬†Those memories. ¬†Certain conversations would suddenly pop up and bam my entire mood changes from one very happy married mother to a depressed psycho.